the longest, most rambling post ever. at least there are pictures at the end

this is what happens to someone who thinks alot, is away from home, and void of husband, sister, and good friends who are the normal outlets for expressing all the thinking.

most important thing first.  ESTHER IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER!!!!  in so many little, and not so little, ways.  saying "thank you, mommy", asking if we have rice at home (yes, a giant bag, a rice cooker, and a sister who's an expert in making it!), making regular eye contact, telling amazing grace when asked who loves her the most of everyone sitting there and she pointed right at me.... i told all my peeps at home it would happen and they didn't believe me LOL!  maybe it was the other way around, i don't remember :)

i brought along my Bible study book from home, and had just read a chapter on recognition.  that was really what i was after - i wanted to be recognized by esther.  i wanted to be seen, acknowledged, made visible, something!  "me!  the one who did all the paperwork for the last year.  who traveled 8,000 miles to bring you home." my feelings were very human, but very selfish.  i hate seeing myself act in a way that in no way reflects Who He Is.  all i can do is keep trying to really know that there is only One whose recognition matters.

our two and a half days with grace were exactly what the doctor ordered.  how He weaves people into our lives and brings them to us "for such a time as this" just blows this old mind.  she became the conduit to bridge us to esther.  grace is wise and joyful and Godly and fun.... we became legitimate in esther's eyes because she sees that we have a wonderful vietnamese friend who is bi-lingual among other things. grace spoke to her from a platform that penetrated deeply into esther's heart.  nobody else could have accomplished this.  when grace left, there were no tears.  just a better understanding of this new family she just maybe is starting to like.  a little bit, anyway.  grateful doesn't even touch what i feel.

and i never want to forget our last hour together of playing frozen memory matching.  two young minds against two older minds just isn't fair!  we howled in laughter over this silly game.  not sure esther has experienced anything quite like it and may never want to again :)

we.are.just.now.at.the.halfway.point.  sigh.  nine days down, nine to go.  i may have been a wild child, but a free spirit i am not.  some people travel the world looking for adventure and experiences.  that is just not me.  sometimes wish it was.  but it's just boring me who is here for one reason - get through the process to bring our girl home.  we are having fun in the midst, but home is home.  it is where my heart is.

here we walk, eat, shop, sleep, sightsee, watch movies, swim, take taxis, color, read, walk more, dodge cars and motorbikes, talk, play games, and do paperwork.  it's all fine, but not for eighteen days LOL!  the main (only? :) benefit is that esther is learning to know us and trust us.  this will become huge for the day when we leave here and travel to the country she's only heard of....

i miss all that is familiar.  which is a poignant reminder of how esther will soon feel -- nothing will be familiar.  at all.  the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the temperature, the people, the routine.  all vastly different.

are ya still with me?!!  i warned you.  alot of this, okay most of this, isn't interesting to the average person.  but!  since this is a blog for esther to have when she is older, i want to capture it. and i hope it gives insight to the people who will play a part in her life, too.  a significant part of her grief and struggle this week is because she came out of a unique orphanage.  it was a small private one originally designed as a ministry.  it eventually morphed into a home with 24 children who could be placed for adoption.  while these kids were abandoned, they weren't treated like that.  they were loved and attached to the caregivers.  the only problem in this scenario is that they were never prepared for the day they just might be adopted.  while adoptive parents are required to go through hours and hours of training, the orphanages are not.  they do not understand the other side of the equation.  loving the kids is incredible (and most orphanages don't come anywhere close to getting that right), but they have to help the older kids learn what to expect when they leave.  blindsiding them is doing a big disservice.  okay, enough said on all that.

i will shut up now.  here are pictures completely out of order, exactly like my thoughts :)