hard to believe

it honestly feels like it has been months since we left home.  i could hardly imagine that we would spend two weeks in hanoi.  before we left, the thought of it overwhelmed me. now that God has graciously seen me through the roller coaster of emotions in a two-week span, i can say in all truthfulness that this place has grown on me.  it's funny how you settle into a routine... and the familiarity of a routine brings peace to this lover of predictability.  paradox to even put predictability and adoption in the same sentence.  adoption is alot of things, but predictable isn't one of them :)

going from quiet country life to the noise and bustle of a city with ten million people was easier than i ever would have guessed. hard to explain, but this seems normal.  part of it is that the people don't seem uptight or angry.  things just flow and move and it seems smooth and right.  this is my third time in vietnam, and it keeps growing on me :)  the contrast between here and home is extreme, and i would be wise to remember when esther's transition hits rough patches.

we said farewell for now to our adoption traveling company -- huang, han, emily, theia, and the two cousins.  esther's visa was issued friday afternoon, and at that point, you are free to go!  just the little issue of not having airline tickets until late monday :(  we knew that we would see esther regress when she said her "so long until america" to theia.  and we did.  esther is sensitive, and introspective.  she wears her heart on her sleeve.  you know exactly where she stands on things :)

holt did a phenomenal job of preparing her for what lies ahead.  for four days, ms. moon came to our apartment home and covered many details.... her philosophy was that the more esther knows about what to expect, the less anxiety she will experience.  she covered our day by day routine, the complete layout of our home and property, the types of chores and animal duties she will have, things each sibling likes to do, specifics of airports and the airplane, and the 'rules' and expectations of a large family.  the days and weeks ahead will be a challenge.  i would love to hit the ground running and pick up where we left off november 8th.  but it doesn't work that way.  time will help everyone establish a new normal.  with ten kids -- can you even stinking believe it?!!  as the mom of the tribe, i feel an incredible responsibility.  Father, give me the strength and resources to do this, i humbly pray.

before i forget, esther now leads us in grace (and reminds us if we forget!) at meals - "God You are Great, God You are Good, and God i thank You for our food."  so simple, and so perfectly reflects our gratitude and awe.  esther then follows with the sign of the Cross as her orphanage upbringing taught.  we've gone to the international church both sundays - one in english and one in vietnamese.  guarantee it is nothing like she has experienced before.  good stuff going on in the church here.

we had a second visitor in hanoi.  it makes us feel well-loved! mint flew over from bangkok to spend a day and night with us.  a complete surprise to see her walk into my daily coffee shop haunt!  the smurf who photobombed our picture traveled from thailand to vietnam all because he wanted to immigrate to the states.  crazy smurf, he is!  thank you, mint!

signing off for now with 30 hours until depatture.... yay!!!!!!!

p.s. we have had so many blessings here but one that made my heart incredibly happy -- the sidewalks here are ummm... challenging is probably a good word choice.  broken, uneven, filled with motorbikes, people, and street vendors.  one night i rolled off the side of my $3 goodwill skecher sandals and broke a strap.  next to my boots, these are my absolute favorite shoes.  a few nights later, i stepped out of a store and a guy is standing there with a plastic basket and points at my broken strap.  he takes off my shoe and whips out his heavy thread and needle and proceeds to stitch and doublestitch all the straps.  then signals to take off the other shoe and polishes and buffs them both.  i swear, it made my day LOL!

a day of decadence :)

did you know there are 48 hours in every day here?  neither did i :)  time is moving at sloth speed, but truly no complaints other than that.  we are making the most of our year here (okay, 18 days.  whatever).  esther continues to settle into her oddball family.  we all think she is going to fit in perfectly actually.  a week ago, i was sure it would never happen.  could somebody please shake me or something next time i exhibit such little faith?  why can i not look at His past faithfulness and remember?  i drive myself nuts.

the timing of adoption appointments are s-p-r-e-a-d over days and weeks.  to say the process could be shortened and more efficient is umm... understatement!  it leaves you with a crazy amount of open time.  as someone who doesn't like (AT ALL) open-ended screen time, you have to get creative in alternatives.  today was a perfect reason to splurge :)  food is very inexpensive here, like really really cheap, so there were extra funds to indulge ourselves.  manicure, pedicure, french bakery time - oh yeah!  and then we watched mulan in hydrating facial masks.  it's what happens when five girls hang out :)

the separate pictures of esther and i were taken upstairs at the bakery while we were waiting on our treats and drinks.  phoebe took the one of esther, and esther took the picture of me, unbeknownst to me.  but that made me happy because she is seeing me :)  it looks like my mind is back at our little farm.  it probably was.  it has been so surprising to me how well i have managed the homesickness.  as the kids would say, "way to brag, mom!"  but really, while my thoughts are never far from home, i have been able to be fully present here.  fully present is a phrase that speaks deeply to me because it is hard for me to do.  a ginormous part of being able to reign in the sad-i-just-wanna-go-home feeling is knowing the home front is well under control.  abi sends daily communications of the comings and goings of people and animals.  it gives my heart an enormous sense of peace.  and the Bible study book has also provided material that is soaking in and taking root.

the days are a blur but one night this week we sought out american food.  oh, a cheeseburger and fries sounded soooooo good.  after consulting mr. google, we landed at S & L.  oh my.  i eat fast, and i set a new record i am sure.  we saw more americans and europeans there than we had seen in all the days combined.  an older guy from philadelphia invited us to come back thursday for a traditional thanksgiving meal!  we are very excited for a taste of home as we count our blessings here and 8,000 miles away.

included a traffic picture hanoi-style.  you ain't lived until you've snaked through it crossing the street.  we were in a cab and an old man was riding a bike the wrong direction.  we got laughing so hard that that would be me.... saying 'i'm sorry, excuse me, i'm so sorry, sorry...!" as i continued on my course going the wrong way.  my kids know i can be ditzy.  that sounds so much better than stupid LOL!

i've looked back at the lengths of my posts.  my gosh, i am full of... words (knew what you were thinking :)  thanks beyond these words for my friends who come here to read and journey with us in vietnam.

falling in love

today i realized it was happening.  it's been over a week now since we first met.  it wasn't an endearing beginning for either of us, i'm afraid.  but tonight i realized that i have completely fallen in love with her.  it's not reciprocated in full by any stretch, but that's okay.  my intent is to win her over eventually :)

i can't pinpoint one event or one quality that has me beyond smitten.  it's all of her together.  she can be adorably animated in her facial expressions, beautifully independent in deciding what to wear, lip-smacking loud eating her food, smug when she tells me the dong price the sales person is trying to explain to me, opinionated about food choices, and vulnerable as a scared little girl when she communicates fear with her eyes.  she is beautiful.  her dad stands no chance :)

tonight something happened that provided an opportunity for me to comfort her in a way that she has never allowed.  she had an anxiety attack.  i had some forewarning, but not ones i had really let sink in.  the day before we arrived, the social worker told me that they had taken esther to a hospital because she was having difficulty breathing and throwing up.  the doctor told them nothing physically wrong.  it was all fear in her head.  then a few days later, a different social worker asked if she had been breathing hard.  i had seen her a few times, but it was not alarming or significant.  then this afternoon, a holt social worker was reminding esther to take deep breaths if she needed to.  hmmm.

we opted to make noodles for dinner in our little apartment home, and make it a movie night.  pushed couches together, covered them in blankets, got the macaroons ready to eat, and started 'tangle'.  all was good until the movie is almost over, and i notice her.  breathing very hard, squirming uncomfortably, eyes darting, and my heart turns to jello as i want nothing more than for my girl to never be afraid again.  it was heart-wrenching.  very calmly the girls lower the movie volume and i start taking deep breaths to get her heart slowed with mine, rub her forehead, and quietly say, "it's okay esther, it's going to be okay..." over and over.  it goes on for a long time.  eventually i put her into bed and we repeat all of it again.

the mayo clinic defines an anxiety attack as something that: "triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying."

a classic case, it was.  the sweet of the bittersweet?  she let me in.  we will work through it together.  maybe abe's seizures have conditioned me or maybe it's just normal mama bear reaction, but this happening doesn't worry me.  as i kept telling her, it's going to be okay.  it will.

p.s. to sweet commenting friends.  your words make me smile.

the longest, most rambling post ever. at least there are pictures at the end

this is what happens to someone who thinks alot, is away from home, and void of husband, sister, and good friends who are the normal outlets for expressing all the thinking.

most important thing first.  ESTHER IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER!!!!  in so many little, and not so little, ways.  saying "thank you, mommy", asking if we have rice at home (yes, a giant bag, a rice cooker, and a sister who's an expert in making it!), making regular eye contact, telling amazing grace when asked who loves her the most of everyone sitting there and she pointed right at me.... i told all my peeps at home it would happen and they didn't believe me LOL!  maybe it was the other way around, i don't remember :)

i brought along my Bible study book from home, and had just read a chapter on recognition.  that was really what i was after - i wanted to be recognized by esther.  i wanted to be seen, acknowledged, made visible, something!  "me!  the one who did all the paperwork for the last year.  who traveled 8,000 miles to bring you home." my feelings were very human, but very selfish.  i hate seeing myself act in a way that in no way reflects Who He Is.  all i can do is keep trying to really know that there is only One whose recognition matters.

our two and a half days with grace were exactly what the doctor ordered.  how He weaves people into our lives and brings them to us "for such a time as this" just blows this old mind.  she became the conduit to bridge us to esther.  grace is wise and joyful and Godly and fun.... we became legitimate in esther's eyes because she sees that we have a wonderful vietnamese friend who is bi-lingual among other things. grace spoke to her from a platform that penetrated deeply into esther's heart.  nobody else could have accomplished this.  when grace left, there were no tears.  just a better understanding of this new family she just maybe is starting to like.  a little bit, anyway.  grateful doesn't even touch what i feel.

and i never want to forget our last hour together of playing frozen memory matching.  two young minds against two older minds just isn't fair!  we howled in laughter over this silly game.  not sure esther has experienced anything quite like it and may never want to again :)

we.are.just.now.at.the.halfway.point.  sigh.  nine days down, nine to go.  i may have been a wild child, but a free spirit i am not.  some people travel the world looking for adventure and experiences.  that is just not me.  sometimes wish it was.  but it's just boring me who is here for one reason - get through the process to bring our girl home.  we are having fun in the midst, but home is home.  it is where my heart is.

here we walk, eat, shop, sleep, sightsee, watch movies, swim, take taxis, color, read, walk more, dodge cars and motorbikes, talk, play games, and do paperwork.  it's all fine, but not for eighteen days LOL!  the main (only? :) benefit is that esther is learning to know us and trust us.  this will become huge for the day when we leave here and travel to the country she's only heard of....

i miss all that is familiar.  which is a poignant reminder of how esther will soon feel -- nothing will be familiar.  at all.  the sounds, the smells, the tastes, the temperature, the people, the routine.  all vastly different.

are ya still with me?!!  i warned you.  alot of this, okay most of this, isn't interesting to the average person.  but!  since this is a blog for esther to have when she is older, i want to capture it. and i hope it gives insight to the people who will play a part in her life, too.  a significant part of her grief and struggle this week is because she came out of a unique orphanage.  it was a small private one originally designed as a ministry.  it eventually morphed into a home with 24 children who could be placed for adoption.  while these kids were abandoned, they weren't treated like that.  they were loved and attached to the caregivers.  the only problem in this scenario is that they were never prepared for the day they just might be adopted.  while adoptive parents are required to go through hours and hours of training, the orphanages are not.  they do not understand the other side of the equation.  loving the kids is incredible (and most orphanages don't come anywhere close to getting that right), but they have to help the older kids learn what to expect when they leave.  blindsiding them is doing a big disservice.  okay, enough said on all that.

i will shut up now.  here are pictures completely out of order, exactly like my thoughts :)

little of this and little of that....

• i know how hard these trips are physically and emotionally, so why do i feel surprised when it is?  yesterday was incredibly hard, necessary, helpful, and needed.
• i miss my man and peeps at home.  badly.  like really badly.
• amazing grace arrived yesterday.  as always, i am in awe of His timing.  i didn't realize how important it would be for her to help esther and myself through the hard conversations with holt and the orphanage director.  esther trusts grace and is opening up to her.  while i so wish it was me, grace couldn't be a more perfect surrogate at this point in time.
• i will save details of yesterday for a future time when i have worked through it in my head.  a lot more.
• lydia, sarah, and phoebe are doing incredibly well.  i am very thankful to have them here.  having been the youngest for a long time, phoebe has 100% stepped up to the plate.  esther looks up to her, for sure.
• very grateful that none of us have been sick. very.
• dad, you would be very proud of us eating vietnamese food every meal :)
• on the adoption front, i continue to be impressed with holt and their desire to meet with esther many more times while we are here in order to continue helping her prepare for what is to come.  extremely needed.
• smurf's words of how well i am doing is sorely needed.  i feel weak and unable 
• the husband in the family we are traveling with is wheelchair bound.  it confines him, but it certainly does not define him.  the way he navigates broken and bumpy sidewalks and traffic is crazy amazing!
• abi is a rock to me on the home front.  that girl knows how to encourage and reassure me in ways that speak deeply to my heart. and she cares for the goats exactly as i would :)
• i miss country life!  the vast numbers of people (10 million in the city) and traffic are not my love language LOL!
• God has sent Godwinks to me in little ways that have been powerful reminders of Who He Is.  i love Him!

grief

there is much to say.... some of it hard to put into words, and some that i could say but i won't because i know i would write it differently (more appropriately LOL!) in a week.  so, i will choose to defer until my heart and mind are more aligned :)  perspective is key, and that is something i have struggled with my whole life.  i have always wanted to be able to keep my thoughts in better balance.  but alas, that might not be achieved in any short order.

esther an tam has been with her new family for over 48 hours now.  as a whole, she is a deeply sad little girl.  lots and lots of tears.  little response to most of the things around her.  numb.  leave it to my kids back home to put into words how they see she is probably feeling (and no, my dancing at the airport is not what put her into a state of shock, tyvm!)  i was ever grateful to have our family group chat space to vent and unload with the frustration and hopelessness i was feeling.  told you that my perspective was bad :(

it seems, to me anyway, there are three things going on really.  first is esther experiences anxiety more than most.  she doesn't transition easily.  before you eye roll, i have seen many older kids move into the adopted family without a blink or backward glance.  i would say that's more the norm.  i am sure sometimes, it's a mask for the churning, confusing emotions swirling inside them. on the surface, it appears all good... which for many, it is!  the other little girl who was adopted (and supposedly esther's best friend although they appear to be polar opposites) is 100% happy go lucky and full of joy.  this probably adds to the profound contrast between the two.

which brings me to the second thing.  the other family is vietnamese.  having lived in the states since childhood, they are fully americanized but look and speak like everyone around us.  esther would be blind and deaf to miss the distinction.  it compounds the anxiousness.

to the third thing, and the thing that i am working through to an extent.  the orphanage director's wife never released esther to feel free to go.  granted, esther would not have, in that moment, chosen to leave with us -- her nerves took over, and who is this white lady with the white poof who keeps smiling at me when theia is going with vietnamese-looking people?  but.  i reckon it a little bit to death.  some people need to know it's okay to let go.  they need to be told that "it's okay to go now."  that didn't happen for esther.  she was told to go when the woman who had cared for her was sobbing and clinging to her. that was not in esther's best interest. i clearly see how that single act added to the already crazy hard.

when i share that we've had a few short periods of happy, it has given us hope!!!  there may be a little girl in there who simply is on her own timeline - and a more healthy one in the long run.  in time, she will call me 'mommy' again.  i heard it once so i know she can say it :)  yesterday, she and i did a frozen lego kit and two snoopy puzzles.  she really seemed to enjoy it!  and she raced lydia to the elevator this morning -- always a
good sign LOL!

p.s. oh i wish the real papa smurf was here.  he would make things better...

been there. done that. doing it again :(

we are in the hard.  prayer appreciated.  xo