grief

there is much to say.... some of it hard to put into words, and some that i could say but i won't because i know i would write it differently (more appropriately LOL!) in a week.  so, i will choose to defer until my heart and mind are more aligned :)  perspective is key, and that is something i have struggled with my whole life.  i have always wanted to be able to keep my thoughts in better balance.  but alas, that might not be achieved in any short order.

esther an tam has been with her new family for over 48 hours now.  as a whole, she is a deeply sad little girl.  lots and lots of tears.  little response to most of the things around her.  numb.  leave it to my kids back home to put into words how they see she is probably feeling (and no, my dancing at the airport is not what put her into a state of shock, tyvm!)  i was ever grateful to have our family group chat space to vent and unload with the frustration and hopelessness i was feeling.  told you that my perspective was bad :(

it seems, to me anyway, there are three things going on really.  first is esther experiences anxiety more than most.  she doesn't transition easily.  before you eye roll, i have seen many older kids move into the adopted family without a blink or backward glance.  i would say that's more the norm.  i am sure sometimes, it's a mask for the churning, confusing emotions swirling inside them. on the surface, it appears all good... which for many, it is!  the other little girl who was adopted (and supposedly esther's best friend although they appear to be polar opposites) is 100% happy go lucky and full of joy.  this probably adds to the profound contrast between the two.

which brings me to the second thing.  the other family is vietnamese.  having lived in the states since childhood, they are fully americanized but look and speak like everyone around us.  esther would be blind and deaf to miss the distinction.  it compounds the anxiousness.

to the third thing, and the thing that i am working through to an extent.  the orphanage director's wife never released esther to feel free to go.  granted, esther would not have, in that moment, chosen to leave with us -- her nerves took over, and who is this white lady with the white poof who keeps smiling at me when theia is going with vietnamese-looking people?  but.  i reckon it a little bit to death.  some people need to know it's okay to let go.  they need to be told that "it's okay to go now."  that didn't happen for esther.  she was told to go when the woman who had cared for her was sobbing and clinging to her. that was not in esther's best interest. i clearly see how that single act added to the already crazy hard.

when i share that we've had a few short periods of happy, it has given us hope!!!  there may be a little girl in there who simply is on her own timeline - and a more healthy one in the long run.  in time, she will call me 'mommy' again.  i heard it once so i know she can say it :)  yesterday, she and i did a frozen lego kit and two snoopy puzzles.  she really seemed to enjoy it!  and she raced lydia to the elevator this morning -- always a
good sign LOL!

p.s. oh i wish the real papa smurf was here.  he would make things better...