falling in love

today i realized it was happening.  it's been over a week now since we first met.  it wasn't an endearing beginning for either of us, i'm afraid.  but tonight i realized that i have completely fallen in love with her.  it's not reciprocated in full by any stretch, but that's okay.  my intent is to win her over eventually :)

i can't pinpoint one event or one quality that has me beyond smitten.  it's all of her together.  she can be adorably animated in her facial expressions, beautifully independent in deciding what to wear, lip-smacking loud eating her food, smug when she tells me the dong price the sales person is trying to explain to me, opinionated about food choices, and vulnerable as a scared little girl when she communicates fear with her eyes.  she is beautiful.  her dad stands no chance :)

tonight something happened that provided an opportunity for me to comfort her in a way that she has never allowed.  she had an anxiety attack.  i had some forewarning, but not ones i had really let sink in.  the day before we arrived, the social worker told me that they had taken esther to a hospital because she was having difficulty breathing and throwing up.  the doctor told them nothing physically wrong.  it was all fear in her head.  then a few days later, a different social worker asked if she had been breathing hard.  i had seen her a few times, but it was not alarming or significant.  then this afternoon, a holt social worker was reminding esther to take deep breaths if she needed to.  hmmm.

we opted to make noodles for dinner in our little apartment home, and make it a movie night.  pushed couches together, covered them in blankets, got the macaroons ready to eat, and started 'tangle'.  all was good until the movie is almost over, and i notice her.  breathing very hard, squirming uncomfortably, eyes darting, and my heart turns to jello as i want nothing more than for my girl to never be afraid again.  it was heart-wrenching.  very calmly the girls lower the movie volume and i start taking deep breaths to get her heart slowed with mine, rub her forehead, and quietly say, "it's okay esther, it's going to be okay..." over and over.  it goes on for a long time.  eventually i put her into bed and we repeat all of it again.

the mayo clinic defines an anxiety attack as something that: "triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying."

a classic case, it was.  the sweet of the bittersweet?  she let me in.  we will work through it together.  maybe abe's seizures have conditioned me or maybe it's just normal mama bear reaction, but this happening doesn't worry me.  as i kept telling her, it's going to be okay.  it will.

p.s. to sweet commenting friends.  your words make me smile.